


I Could Never Hate You

by notcrypticbutcoy



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, Happy Ending, Hate, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Malec, malec end-game, mention of non-consent, mentions of an abusive relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-18
Updated: 2015-10-18
Packaged: 2018-04-26 23:16:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5024434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notcrypticbutcoy/pseuds/notcrypticbutcoy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Magnus Bane thought he had the perfect relationship with Alec Lightwood. That is, until Jonathan Morgenstern, Alec's creepy ex, returns to town.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Could Never Hate You

**Author's Note:**

> This contains non-graphic mentions of abuse and rape. Just a heads up.

Magnus Bane, age twenty-six, owner of an extremely successful hair saloon, was halfway through a tub of vanilla ice cream and three-quarters of the way through an episode of What Not to Wear when the buzzer of his apartment rang. He scowled at the door. Nobody he liked would be ringing his doorbell at half eleven at night.

To be fair, Magnus was usually a little more hospitable. He was in an appalling mood. He'd been in an appalling mood for the last month. His best friends, Catarina and Ragnor, had both told him that he needed to get over it, but he couldn't.

_Alexander Lightwood._

That was the problem. Alexander, who he'd spent a good year staring at every time he was dragged into Magnus' shop with his sister, Isabelle. Alexander, who had smiled shyly and told him to call him Alec one day, out of the blue, and had blushed when Magnus winked at him in response. Alec, who had gaped at him when Magnus asked him out, so much so that Magnus had wondered whether he'd read the situation completely wrong, before grinning and agreeing, looking exceedingly pleased.

They'd dated for nearly three years. It had been as close to perfect as it was possible to get. Alec had been by his side at two o'clock in the morning while Magnus moaned and cried and agonised over the huge debt his shop was in. He'd sat with his arms around him for hours. Then he'd kissed away his tears and carried him up to bed, telling him that they could work it out in the morning.

(They did work it out. Magnus had never loved Alec more for it.)

Alec had blurted out that he loved Magnus over dinner one night. It was a perfectly ordinary evening. They were at Magnus' apartment, eating Chinese take-out, curled on the couch and not watching the TV. Magnus had been laughing at something Alec said. Alec had stared at him, before letting out those words in a rush. Magnus had said them straight back, meaning them more than he'd ever meant them before. Then they'd kissed, tasting of Chinese, and Magnus had sworn he couldn't be happier. (That, as it turned out, wasn't true. Alec made him so happy, he couldn't pinpoint when he was happiest.)

Magnus and Alec hadn't been each other's firsts. Magnus had been with more people than he cared to admit, men and women. Alec had been with a boy, Jonathan, in high school.

But Magnus told Alec all the things he'd never told anyone else. About his abusive father, who'd driven his mother to suicide. About his violent childhood, and eventually going into a care home when his father burnt the house to the ground and died in the fire. About going from person to person, never staying in one place. About all the unhealthy ways he'd had of dealing with it - drink, sex, ditching school, smoking - and about how long it had taken him to ditch the habit—the last time he'd had a cigarette had been when he was twenty-two. About how reaching eighteen and becoming his own person became his obsession, to the extent that he made himself sick with stress.

In turn, Alec told him about his homophobic father, and his teenage struggles with himself. About his feelings for his best friend, Jace, and about how difficult it had been to get past that. About how unhealthy his only previous relationship had been. About how he was still scared of giving himself to someone, and how he'd given his heart to Magnus without meaning to.

At that confession, Magnus had taken Alec's hands in his and sworn that he loved him, and that he would treasure Alec's heart and do everything in his power to make Alec happy.

They'd shared good and bad moments. They'd argued. They'd screamed at each other. Heck, Magnus had thrown some things. Alec had stormed out, slamming the door behind him. But they always came back, apologising and begging and confessing, and the other would shush and reassure and kiss away their fears, and it was always, always okay.

Until it wasn't.

Until everything fell to pieces.

Until it became clear that Magnus was second-best to Alec.

Magnus hadn't been jealous of Jonathan. Alec always stressed the fact that he hadn't loved him, in just the same way that Magnus had never loved anyone else the way he loved Alec. He'd loved before, certainly, but not the way he loved Alec.

But when he walked into his apartment - the apartment that had become _theirs_ a year into their relationship - and saw Alec against the wall, a man with platinum blonde hair with his lips on Alec's neck, Magnus wondered whether everything had been a lie.

He'd wasted no time kicking the guy out. _Jonathan_. That was the name that Alec spoke. Magnus couldn't look at Alec. He refused to listen to his protests, his pleas, his excuses. Alec had tears streaming down his cheeks, imploring Magnus to listen to him. But it was all very simple. Jonathan was back. Alec wanted him, his ex, not Magnus. Maybe he loved Magnus, maybe he didn't, but he clearly wanted Jonathan more.

Magnus had pushed Alec aside. Alec had, literally, dropped to his knees in front of him, grabbing his hands and _begging. I'm begging you, please, Magnus, please. I love you, Magnus. Goddammit, listen to me! Please._ He'd given Ale an hour to get his things out of his apartment, and told him never to contact him again.

That had been a month ago. Magnus had changed his phone number. Isabelle Lightwood hadn't come into his hair saloon again. Alec certainly hadn't.

So, now, Magnus was trying, once again, to drown his pain in ice cream. Vanilla ice cream—Alec's favourite. It hurt. Alec had left a t-shirt behind, and a sweater. They'd both been in the tumble dry when Magnus had kicked him out. Magnus remembered taking the load out, seeing them, and breaking down in tears. He'd cried for hours, holding Alec's sweater, before a furious voice message from Isabelle came through on his phone, telling him that he needed to learn the meaning of 'listen'. He deleted the message, and blocked her.

Magnus knew it was unhealthy, but he'd kept Alec's clothes, had folded them up and put them in the drawer that had been Alec's.

The buzzer sounded again. Magnus glared. He slammed his tub down, huffed, and got up. Maybe yelling at someone would make him feel better.

He yanked the door open, mouth already open, and spoke before he'd even opened the door enough to see who was on the other side. "What do you think you're doing—" He froze, heart in his throat, stomach churning and flipping and dropping as he took in the person standing on the other side of his door.

Alec.

He looked thoroughly miserable. Exhausted, dark bags under his eyes, a haggard pinch to his face, which was even paler than usual, and not in a healthy way. He looked like he'd lost weight. He was soaked through, his t-shirt clinging to his, hair plastered to his face, jeans drenched, and was shivering violently, arms folded across his chest.

Magnus didn't know whether he felt more concern or anger. But, in his current state of mind, shock won out. "Alec? What in the name of god are you doing here?"

Alec drew his arms tighter around himself, wretchedness written across his face. And perhaps a hint of fear. Magnus recognised that look—fear of something that had already happened, something that was far away, all in his head. It was the look he himself wore after a nightmare. "Please don't send me away," he whispered. "Please."

That was when the anger made its appearance. Magnus' lip curled, and he spat out his words. "Might I remind you, _Alexander_ , that I walked in on you making out with another man, in our apartment. We are over. You made sure of that. I don't know what the fuck you think you're doing, coming here in the middle of the night, but you're not getting anything from me."

Alec looked on the verge of tears. He hung his head, and Magnus noticed the goosebumps across his arms. He was still shivering. Despite himself, Magnus felt his rage cool: Alec looked the very picture of despair.

"I'm sorry," Alec said. "I don't want anything, I swear. I just– I didn't know where else to go, Magnus." He looked up, and the combination of his name and those blue eyes wore away the last of Magnus' resolve. He still loved Alec, regardless of what Alec had done to him. Alec had destroyed him, betrayed him, lied to him, and he still loved him with all of his heart.

Magnus looked at him for a long, hard moment. His glare didn't soften, but he knew he wouldn't turn Alec away. Not when he looked like that.

"Fine." Magnus let out a breath. "You can come in. But only because you look like you're about to get hyperthermia."

"Thank you," Alec breathed, eyes shining with gratitude. Magnus wanted to wrap him up in a tight hug, tuck Alec's head into the crook his his neck, stroke his hair, and tell him that things would be okay, that he was loved, and that, whatever had happened, they would work it out. He wanted things to be back to how they'd been before. "Thank you so much."

Magnus stepped aside, shut the door behind Alec, and told him to stay where he was so that he didn't drip water all around the apartment. He grabbed a towel from the cupboard, then took out Alec's sweater, t-shirt, and a pair of his own boxers and sweatpants. He brought them back to Alec and thrust them into his arms.

Alec's brow furrowed a little, before a sad smile spread across his face. "I wondered what happened to this sweater."

Magnus ignored the little shot of pain in his heart. "Go and have a shower before you freeze to death," Magnus said.

"Thank you," Alec said again, sincerely, looking at him with huge blue eyes. "I know we didn't... I mean... You had every right to tell me to fuck off."

"I nearly did," Magnus admitted. "So shut up and warm up before I change my mind."

Alec looked like he wanted to smile. Magnus wanted him to smile. It was meant to be a joking order; something to break the thick tension between them. But Alec merely ducked his head, nodded, and slipped into the bathroom, shutting the door softly behind him.

Magnus watched the closed door for a minute. He heard the shower turn on, and the sound of running water. What had happened tonight? What had made Alec look like that? And, god, why had he come to Magnus' place? Isabelle didn't live that far away, and surely he had _Jonathan_ to go to, or to call on?

Jealousy surged through him, and anger. If Alec had needed him when they were dating, he'd have dropped anything and everything and driven, walked, run as far as Alec needed him to. If Alec had been on the other side of the world and needed him, he'd have gone, at any time. Halfway through the night, in the middle of styling someone's hair, while visiting his mother's grave. Alec was more important than sleep, or work, or the past. Alec was Magnus' everything.

Magnus had thought he meant the same to Alec. All the times Alec had laughed at even his lamest jokes, smiled fondly at his terrible pick-up lines, reached out to grab his hand when they were together. When Alec woke him up from nightmares, holding him tight in the aftermath, reassuring him. (Magnus had always appreciated that Alec didn't tell him that it wasn't real. Because it felt real. Alec just told him that he was there, and that things would be okay.) The first time Alec took him out on a romantic dinner date, and had blushed practically all evening.

Had all of that meant nothing?

Magnus tore his gaze away from the bathroom door, forcing his thoughts away from the past. He just wanted things to go back to how they had been. But he knew he couldn't have that.

***

Alec leant against the bathroom door for a long moment after he closed it, trying to calm his racing heart and his erratic breathing. He'd spent the last five minutes trying not to throw up all over the carpet. Being back here, in their– no, in Magnus' apartment, made him remember all the beautiful, wonderful, incomparable things he'd left behind.

He hated it. He hated remembering how much he'd loved being with Magnus. How much he loved Magnus. God, how much he _still_ loved Magnus. He hated the way Magnus looked at him. He hated the tension between them. He hated that Magnus looked angry and despondent, lacking his usual brightness and energy.

And, most of all, he hated himself. He hated what he'd done, what he hadn't done, what he hadn't stopped.

It was his fault. All of it. Absolutely all of it.

After a minute, he exhaled shakily, pushed away from the door, and put the clothes and towels down. Magnus had kept his sweater, and he was sure that t-shirt was his. Wasn't it one that Magnus had insisted on buying him, one of the first times they'd been out shopping together?

He wasn't sure what to think about it all.

He stripped out of his clothes, feeling even sicker than he felt already when he saw the bruises on his hips, and turned on the shower. He stepped in, closed the glass door behind him, and let the hot water rush over him.

It could have been half an hour that he stood there, trying to drown out his thoughts and feelings. Eventually, he bent down and picked up the room-familiar bottle of shower gel. It smelt like Magnus, and it reminded him of all the times he'd stood in this shower with him and rubbed it all over Magnus' shoulders and chest and—

He pushed the thoughts away. He couldn't think about that. Not now. Not ever. It was over.

The best thing that had ever happened to him was over.

He felt filthy. He felt sick. He was filled with self-loathing. No matter how much soap he lathered over his body, no matter how long he stood there, it didn't help. He felt disgusting.

The water ran cold, but he didn't step out. He deserved it. God, he deserved a punch in the face, and a lot more. He deserved to feel disgusting and guilty and heartbroken.

He couldn't bare the icy bite any longer, so turned off the water, he stepped out, and dried himself off harshly. He yanked on his t-shirt and Magnus' sweatpants. They were the pair Magnus wore when his day consisted of lazing around the apartment, not going out, and sleeping in until noon.

Alec sunk to the ground, back against the wall, and pressed his face to his knees. The shower was supposed to cleanse him. It was supposed to clear his clouded mind. It was supposed to make him feel better. But instead, it made him feel even worse.

He was crying. He didn't realise that until the wetness seeped through the material of Magnus' sweatpants and onto his knees. He trembled as he thought about everything that had happened. Everything he'd done. Everything Jonathan had done.

He didn't hear Magnus knocking on the door. He didn't hear the worry in his voice turn to fully-fledged panic. He didn't hear Magnus telling him that he was coming in. He didn't notice Magnus at all, in fact, until he was kneeling in front of him, consternation on his face.

In fact, Magnus looked anguished, green eyes wide and upset. "Alec," he whispered. "Alec."

***

Magnus wanted to take Alec's hands. He wanted to tilt his face up, gently, and cradle his head to his chest. He wanted to put his hands on Alec's knees. He wanted to hold him, kiss him, murmur sweet nothings and reassurances.

But he couldn't.

What on earth had happened to Alec? What had made him like this? And why had he gone to Magnus for help? Magnus still couldn't fathom that, despite having spent the last hour pondering it.

He hated seeing Alec like this, knowing he could do nothing. Crying, shaking, completely torn up. God, he was still shivering, goosebumps across his arms even though it was warm in the bathroom. The water in the shower had probably run cold long ago.

"Alec," he said again, urgently. "Alec. Sh. Look at me. Come on."

Alec's hands were knotted behind his head, pressing his face into his knees. Stupidly, foolishly, Magnus placed his hands over Alec's, holding them in both of his. And, finally, that got Alec to look up, red-eyed, tears streaked across his face, pale skin blotchy.

"Tell me what's going on," Magnus said softly. "Please."

Alec shook his head. "You won't believe me. You hate me."

Magnus' eyes widened. "Alec—"

"It's okay. I'd hate me, too." Alec sounded so depressed, so grief-stricken, so self-hating. It made Magnus want to shake him, hug him and kiss him all at the same time.

"Alec," Magnus said firmly. "Look at me." With clear reluctance, Alec did, lifting his eyes to meet Magnus'. "I do not hate you. I could never hate you. Ever. I might hate what you did - trust me, I hate that with everything in me - but I don't hate you." _I love you._

Alec laughed bitterly. "Of course you do."

"No." Magnus gripped Alec's hands tighter. "No. I swear. I don't hate you."

Alec didn't reply, but he didn't look convinced.

"Have I ever lied to you?" Magnus demanded.

"No," Alec admitted, voice quiet. "No."

"I do not hate you. If I hated you, I'd never have let you in. Now, can you tell me what's going on? And why you came to your exes apartment, of all places?"

Alec rubbed a hand over his face, wiping away the tears still clinging to his cheeks. "Because I feel safe here."

Magnus frowned in confusion, and took Alec's hand back. "Do you not feel safe at home?" Come to think of it, where was home for Alec? Where had he gone after Magnus had kicked him out?

Alec snorted. "I've been living with Izzy. I don't feel safe anywhere. Because wherever I go, whoever I stay with - you, Jace, Izzy, god, even my parents - he finds me and ruins it."

Magnus didn't understand, but something stuck in his mind. "If he–" whoever 'he' was "–can find you here, too, why do you feel safe?"

Alec look guilty and sad and scared. "It's not the place. I feel safe with you."

That broke Magnus' heart. He sighed softly, and sat down out of his kneeling position, crossing his legs. "Tell me," Magnus said.

"I can't."

"Yes," Magnus said, voice firm and booking no room for arguments, "you can. You can always tell me. That hasn't changed." _Honestly_ , Magnus thought, _nothing has changed. Except you betrayed me, lied to me, and I can't trust you anymore._

Alec shook his head, eyes fixed on their hands. "You will not believe me," he said emphatically.

Magnus was quiet for a moment, because Alec was, in a way, right. After what he'd walked in on, and what that stood for, he didn't trust Alec. At all. But— "You've got no reason to lie to me."

Sighing, Alec closed his eyes. "Fine. I'll tell you. You won't believe me - heck, you'll probably tell me to leave - but I'll tell you."

Magnus watched Alec's face, searching those averted blue eyes for clues, but he just saw emotion - sadness, guilt, pain, and perhaps...longing? And why wouldn't Alec look at him?

"I lied to you," Alec murmured. "A long time ago, I lied to you."

Magnus' heart constricted. This was it. This was the moment Alec admitted that everything had been a lie, and explained why. Magnus wasn't sure he could take it. He'd thought Alec had broken his heart beyond repair already, but this might be worse.

"When I told you my relationship with Jonathan had been unhealthy, I lied. And when I told you I didn't love him—that was a lie too. I thought I loved him. But the truth is I was scared of him. Terrified. I was like an addict. I was exactly like an addict. He was dangerous and threatened my health, emotionally and physically, and I couldn't get enough."

Magnus stared...and stared...and stared. Alec still wasn't looking at him, and his voice was quiet, tired, resigned. Magnus' heart was pounding. His hands were sweaty, but Alec was gripping them tightly, like a lifeline.

"The story I told you about how we met was true. And the things I told you about how unhealthy our relationship were true, too. Just...that wasn't all of it." Alec swallowed. Magnus brought their hands down to rest on Alec's knees, and he ran his thumb over the fabric. "The first time we had sex, he...he coerced me into it. It was okay, to begin with. He was gentle, and patient. Well, sort of patient. But then when we got to actually–" Alec glanced up at Magnus, clearly not wanting to say it out loud in that context. Magnus nodded his encouragement. Alec knew him well enough to understand his nod as _I understand, it's okay, you don't need to say it_. "He lost it. I asked him to stop. Several times. He didn't, obviously."

Magnus' body didn't know how to react to the knowledge that Alec had been raped. His mind flickered back to the first time he'd had sex (with a girl, he was sixteen, it was exceptionally awkward) and then thought about the first time he'd had sex with Alec. The first time Alec had had sex with someone who wasn't this bastard. Had he been gentle enough? Had Alec seemed freaked out? He'd been exceptionally nervous, Magnus remembered, but he recalled an enormous amount of kissing and smiling and the occasional laugh. It had been...well, beautiful, was the word that came to mind.

But if he'd known...if he'd known that he'd been Alec's first consensual sexual encounter (because Magnus presumed that Alec would not have willingly had sex with Jonathan following _that_ ) then he'd have been so much more careful. He'd tried to make it special anyway, because it was their first time together, but he could have done more.

Alec continued, not noticing Magnus' inner turmoil because he wasn't looking at him, still. "I ran, afterwards. To Jace's house. His parents didn't mind me staying. But Jonathan made me feel wanted. In a horrible, twisted way, yes, but that was something I hadn't really experienced before. So I went back to him, thinking that maybe it was my fault, maybe I was too pathetic about it." Magnus stiffened. Alec smiled wryly at their hands, clearly feeling Magnus' tensing. "I know. I was stupid. I know better now. Or at least, I thought it did.

"When we went to college, we broke up. We— Oh, I've told you all this before. That was the last time I saw him. It was a relief, in some ways, but it made me feel empty, in others. Then I met you, and everything was..." Alec exhaled shakily, pausing, as though searching for the right word. "Everything was perfect, and blissful, and I loved you. So, so much."

Magnus wanted to feel angry, at that. If Alec loved him so much, why had he been making out with fucking Jonathan? But, now he'd heard that story, he felt like it was a little more complicated than he'd assumed.

"The day you saw—" Alec's Adam's apple bobbed. "The day you saw me with Jonathan wasn't what it looked like. Maybe it was. I don't know. But I wasn't– I didn't want that. I didn't want him. At all. I had you, I wanted you, you were all I needed. When I opened the door and saw him, I should have slammed the door and ignored him, but I didn't. I honestly don't know why. Maybe I was scared, or maybe I thought he'd changed, or maybe in some twisted way I missed him just a little bit."

Magnus saw a tear running down Alec's cheek. He didn't even think about reached up and wiping it away. His thumb lingered on Alec's cheek. "You don't have to tell me all this," Magnus whispered. "Not right now. You can go to bed and get some rest, and talk about it later, if you want to. Or tomorrow, or the next day, or whenever you want to. You didn't want him. You weren't lying to me. He's a manipulative bastard who took advantage of you when you were young by playing on your weaknesses, and he had power over you. That's all I need to know, darling."

Alec folded his lips into a thin line. "No, it's not. You need to know everything. And even if you don't need to, you deserve to. He kissed me and held me against the wall, and I swear I didn't want him to. It brought back memories of everything else he'd done to me. It was horrible. I froze. I think I had a minor panic attack or something. I snapped out of it when you came in, and I panicked."

Magnus slid his hand down from Alec's cheek to his neck, resting it there lightly, fingering the hair at the nape of his neck. Alec picked at a thread on his sweatpants.

"I went to Izzy's house when you told me to get out. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to call you, but I knew you wouldn't answer, so I waited. I thought maybe I'd try in a few days, and explain. But then Jonathan turned up at Izzy's house, when she wasn't there. Tried to persuade me to go with him. I said no. I think he was stalking me. He turned up at my parents' house when we visited them. He met me at Jace's house twice."

Alec had stopped talking, so Magnus promoted him gently. "I don't understand why you came here, tonight. You looked so upset when you turned up. You looked sick. And you were drenched and shivering. What happened?"

"Jonathan turned up. I was at Jace's house because I was sick of Izzy's food, and he'd gone out to pick Clary up because she needed a lift. I was alone in his house, which was fine, and then Jonathan broke it. Like, literally, while I was sitting in the living room. He didn't knock. He just broke in."

"Jesus," Magnus breathed. He couldn't imagine how scared Alec would have been then, even if he'd never admit it to a soul - or even to himself. But your ex-boyfriend, the man who raped you, the man stalking you, breaks down the door, you're frightened, no matter how badass and strong you are.

"He started spouting loads of shit. How I was beautiful, he wanted me, he was sorry, he knew I wanted him, blah blah blah. It was bullshit. But he grabbed me. Hard. He kissed me and- and tried to- he tried to—"

"Touch you?" Magnus suggested gently.

"He _did_ touch me. A lot. It was revolting. He was revolting. He had his pants off and had ripped off my sweater by the time I got the courage and sense of mind to push him off. I ran. He followed me, but I lost him. I'm faster than he is." Alec shrugged. "It was raining. I got wet. I came here because I felt disgusting and filthy and I was _scared_ , and you make me feel safe. You always have."

Magnus put a finger under Alec's chin and tilted it up, gazing into his eyes steadily. "Alec."

Alec looked at him for a moment, looking like a deer caught in the headlights, before he wrenched himself away and stood up jerkily. Magnus followed his movements with his eyes, shocked into immobility.

"I shouldn't have come here," Alec said abruptly. "I'm sorry, Magnus."

Magnus jumped up as Alec fled the bathroom. He darted into the hallway, and saw Alec moving towards the front door. Magnus reached out and placed a hand on the handle, stopping Alec before he could bolt.

"Alec," he said, slightly out of breath due to the surge of adrenaline that had shot through him. Alec was in a similar state, looking scared and confused and torn. "What are you doing? Where are you going?"

"Away. I don't know. Anywhere. You don't deserve this."

" _Nothing_ has changed."

"Exactly!" Alec looked wild. "Exactly! You still don't trust me, I still betrayed you because I didn't push him away, and I still hurt you. But despite all that, you're being kind to me and I can't deal with it. It hurts too much, Magnus. I have to go."

Magnus cupped Alec's face in his hands, shaking his head at him. "God, Alec, no. He took advantage of you. He hurt you. Fucking hell, he raped you! You can't blame yourself for freezing when he turned up after eight years and kissed you. You were over it, and then he came back. Of course you froze. You didn't betray me, and I do not hate you."

"I hurt you."

"Alright, yes, you did, but that was my own fault because I refused to listen to you when you quite fucking literally dropped to your knees in front of me, crying, and begged me to listen to you. I'm the one who should be apologising here, not you. Don't you dare apologise to me for being assaulted by a man who should be thrown in jail, Alexander Lightwood."

That did it. At Magnus' words, Alec broke down, sobs wracking through him. Magnus didn't hesitate to pull him into a tight hug, burying his fingers in his hair and stroking soothingly through it, working out a few knots. Alec trembled against him, his tears wet against Magnus' neck.

"I'm here, darling," Magnus murmured, pressing his hand flat against Alec's back. "I'm here. You're safe here. You're always safe here."

"I'm so sorry," Alec choked out. "I'm so sorry."

"Shh. It's alright, you don't need to apologise to me. I understand now." He pressed his cheek to Alec's hair. "I love you, Alexander."

At that, Alec's head shot up, and he stared at Magnus. "What?" he asked faintly.

"I love you," Magnus repeated sincerely. "I love you, and I want you back. And if you don't want to be mine, if you don't want me to be yours, if you don't love me anymore, then I'll go back to scoffing ice cream and watching crap TV, and I won't bother you again."

Alec looked at him like he was insane. "You– You think it's humanly possible for me to ever stop loving you?" He shook his head. "Don't be ridiculous. I love you...so much. I love you. And if I say that to you every hour of every day for the rest of my life, it won't be enough."

Relief washed through him, and he let out a breath, smiling a little. "Can I kiss you now?"

Alec smiled back. "You never have to ask."

A serious look covered Magnus' face. "No, I always have to ask."

"No, you don't. Because the answer will always be yes."

Alec reached up and kissed him. The kiss tasted of salt from Alec's tears, and it was slow, unending, their lips folding together over and over again, hands clutching at each other, desperately pulling each other closer as the kiss turned hotter, needier.

Magnus caught Alec's soft gasp with his mouth, tongues flickering together, Alec's arms wrapped around him. He felt like he was drowning in the scent, the taste, the feel of Alec after so long.

"You're so cold," Magnus said when they parted, foreheads resting together. "You had a hot shower and we sat in a steamy bathroom for ages, and you're frozen."

Alec shivered a little, as though Magnus had just reminded him of his body temperature, and he suddenly felt the chill again. "The water went cold."

Magnus brushed his thumbs across his cheeks. "Oh, what am I going to do with you?"

Alec laughed. "Not kick me out?"

"Never," Magnus vowed. "Never, ever. I love you. Just promise me - promise me - that you'll tell me the whole truth, if something happens in the future. If I'd known how Jonathan had been in the past—"

"I promise," Alec said. "I was ashamed. Ashamed of what I let him do to me."

"I will never judge you," Magnus vowed. "You didn't judge me for all the things I did. I won't judge you, either. Certainly not for something like that. I judge you for you. I know you, and I love you."

Alec's smile was watery. "Damnit, Magnus, stop making me cry."

Magnus grinned at him and kissed his nose. "Come on. Bed. Now." He took Alec's hand and began to walk towards his bedroom. Their bedroom, maybe.

Alec hesitated. Magnus quirked an eyebrow at him in question. "Where are we, now? What are we?"

"Whatever you want us to be. I'd quite honestly love to forget that the last month ever happened, but tell me what you want."

"I just want to be yours," Alec said. "I want to wake up next to you every day and kiss you every morning and look forward to seeing you every day at work, and tell you I love you every night."

Magnus stepped back over to him and cupped his cheek. "Yes."

Alec looked up at him. "Really?"

Magnus nodded. "Absolutely. Now, come on. You look like you're about to keel over. And if you get into bed I can warm you up."

A couple of minutes later, Magnus watched from his side of the bed as Alec climbed in, letting out a soft noise of contentment as he relaxed into the pillow and the mattress, pulling the comforter up around him.

"I never thought I'd lay in this bed again," Alec confessed.

Magnus reached out a hand and brushed a strand of hair back from Alec's face. "Neither did I. But I'm so glad you're here."

Alec gripped his hand, then rolled onto his side and shifted closer, so that they were curled together, arms slung over each other's waists.

"I love you," Alec whispered.

"I love you," Magnus replied, kissing his temple.

They fell asleep like that, hands joined, fingers interlinked, Alec's head tucked into Magnus' neck, their legs tangled together underneath the comforter, sharing body heat in the same way they shared love. Wholly, completely, and unconditionally.


End file.
